Skip forward (pun intended) Now I had a episode of a heart irregularity a bit back and fainted at work. = Panic attack. Well I will throw it out there I had been on Zoloft for years, at the max dose for several years. So we switch to Lexapro. Well it changed plenty. I feel, as if my insides are of a teenage boy......and I FEEL. ANGER, CRYING, want to scream my bloody guts out. Was I numb? Yes, and no.
Fast forward.........today, yesterday.....last month. FUCKING CHAOS!!!!!!! To the tenth power squared. I found out that our Social Network best friend, can get your ass in a world of shit quick. LOST in TRANSLATION people. Don't put anything out there you don't want taken the wrong way. Hell I was pregnant, lying, hussy, and I partied like it was 1999. I enjoyed the connection to my friends, guys, girls, gay friends, all kindsof people who share much in common with me. People whom I love and have known longer than I knew my own Mother.(that is sad) My interest has now changed. I look almost at every character prior to posting. I am on the radar. A place us aliens don't belong.
My personal struggles are still personal issues but are now under a microscope. I have become resentful and angry. I am a person who yes, bends the rules, goes against the grain. LIVES and am ME as a result. I am proud of who I am. Where I came from.......a passed out drunk mother....raised myself, until I lived with a bachelor father, and despite all dysfunctionality, turned out as a great nurse, wonderful mother, have honor roll children whom love and adore me. I have an open door policy with them, they can ask me anything. And they do.
You know there are some who will fault my dad, criticize him. Hell I have also. I think now. He was in his 20's with a pre-teen alone, without money attempting to raise me. Yeah what you get now.....imagine it back then. I was HELL to deal with. Now, I have solid sound morals, don't do drugs, never went to jail. Still married and have a damn good job. My father is my best friend. He worked his ass off and sacrificed himself and his life for me. Plus has been the best grandfather to my boys. His "do-over" that he could not when I was little.My mother? Easy way out. Outta sight Outta mind. Oh yeah and a .45 to the head 5 1/2 years ago. I guess I did OK. I was raising a 1 year old and 4 year old, and working full time running an OR during her suicide. The kids are so much better off they didn't know that's what some parents are like. I could have given up. Why not? It gave me strength to be better as a person.
I don't blame my past at all. It has made me WHO I am. Bitter-yes at times. Solid. You wont break me. I get to break me. Only me. I can pick apart my own life, and better it as I choose. I do not not choose to change at this point.
People can take me or leave me, no partial acceptance.
I have sacrificed much of my life taking care of others, my family, past on family. My mother, my children, my husband.
My choice is to not grow up to other's standards. I grow on my own time. If I chose to dance I will. If my kids and I jump on the bed and sing we will. If I am the "cool" mom its because I had a "cool" dad that my adult friends still remember and wish he was theirs. I have a tall seat to fill. One day I will.
Today is just that. I have no idea what the future holds, but we cannot take it with us now. Love Love Love and Live. Laugh, Dance, Sing. Be whom your heart tells you to be. Fall nothing short of your own expectations, don't judge! When you have no imperfections then, and only then may anyone hold the key to judge. That's why we are all different. I don't want to be Susie Homemaker (never did). If I did I would never had aspired to hold a beating heart - which I have many times. My home may not be the cleanest on the block, but every patient I saw today, was taken care of better than any other nurse in sight of me. My children -boys 9& 6 run off the bus into my arms unashamed. We do homework together.They eat and are clean, and want to show me everything they can and are excited about. I could give a rats ass about the laundry at that moment. But one day it will get done. A good dear friend (SMKR) would give a time CST smart ass time answer (he he he). I am not that precise. One day is good enough for me, my husband and that is....what it is.
