OK it has been a game of hurry up and wait, and wait, and.......yes WAIT!!!! I know I am not alone when I want to scream from a mountain top "What is the Fucking diagnosis!!!!", But This is the first time I am talking about it.
We are living our very own Mystery Diagnosis (Thx Shammy) it is mind boggling.
I have to back up, start from the beginning almost 40 pounds ago. Hmmm almost 6 weeks ago. Unintended weight loss, pain, mystery symptoms.
Walter had a stomach ache about 6 weeks ago, and I woke up to him sitting straight up in bed very uncomfortable and is what appeared pretty good pain. He was up most of the night with a stomach ache, that I was convinced was a Gallbladder attack. I was wrong.
The next day he visited the GI MD, and two days later a EGD was scheduled.
I went in and was able to see the cavernous ulcers that obliterated his stomach. Like a bomb had gone off. Bat shit bad. Biopsy after biopsy was taken, picture after picture. Results all negative. Great now on the road to getting better. Wrong.
He continued to hurt and suffer pain through his back, daily struggle for him to eat. So more tests. To find the gallbladder the guilty party.
Ultra sound of the gallbladder, shows a thickening of the pancreatic duct."Tumor" was mentioned in the office. Fuck that's great.......Off for more tests.
MRI and Blood Work. Well the 2 different MRI's that were done were inconclusive. Bastard Magnets. Now Walter has to flush twice after he pees as he is eliminating a radioactive isotope he was given for one test.
Still waiting and nothing, yet he is loosing 1-2 pounds a day, and always feels horrid, and sleeps like a teenager. Wears my gym shorts, and has not a ounce of fat on him. My worry remains with me. he and I really have yet to speak about it.
I cannot describe my feelings. They are so all over the map. Map of holy shit give a answer please.
So during this time that feels now like a year I resigned as the social worker/RN for the state and spending my days in the Ghetto. Thinking that maybe, me being in the most crime filled areas of town daily was adding to Walter's stress. Maybe this would help him not worry about me. Back to the OR. YES YES YES for me. Still has not given any answers.
So back to mystery diagnosis. What is wrong. I sit down and talk to Walter. ask him how he feels, what are his thoughts. The patches of hair on his legs that are missing from him scratching the hair off, from intractable itching. I ask what is that all about, here it comes. He responds "Hodgkin's Itch". I sit patiently and talk to him and stay calm. Those who know me, understand this takes a huge amount of self control.
I go into the bedroom, look up Hodgkin's and non Hodgkin's......I go back and ask Walter why if after everything he has been through he is scheduled for yet another test, this time a CT.
His response Tumor, Lymphoma.......
I go back to the bedroom and stare at the laptop, and lose it. Completely lose it.
I cry and cry and think up every terrible outcome and situation we could be facing.
This is hard, but I go back to Walter and tell him I am here till the end no matter what is wrong. I also tell him I would take it all myself to relieve him. I am so torn with guilt, sadness, love, anxiety, the unknown. This is what you do when you are married. You are in it for good and bad. Sometimes when the bad comes, it makes all the trivial shit seem completely meaningless. Nothing matters but who you love. I cannot picture myself ever without Walter. At points in our marriage be both have thought of being apart. Not now. Our boys just think Daddy has a tummy ache. which really is all we are going on at this point. He is weak, starting the weed eater this morning was too much for him and he went to pass out. This scared me. When I rub his back and feel his ribs it scares me.
No matter the diagnosis, we should get results tomorrow on CT. I am a nurse. His nurse. His wife. His love. I am whatever he needs me to be.
This sounds very dramatic. I understand. I am not being a alarmist. I am doing what I do, writing for the therapeutic elimination it gives me. I am also getting it out, talking about the Elephant that is everywhere we turn.
Regardless of the final diagnosis, a wake up call in ones life is never a bad thing. We all need a gentle reminder of what is important. Love the one you are with, hug them how you used too. Pray for them not you. Let the small bullshit issues fall within your fingers like the sand. They are not important. Hold on, you have strength you never knew you had.
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