Alone surrounded by people.

This is for sure a random read, but as you all know I just write. Think and type.....

Ok, I get pissed...I say "Fuck this a lot". I feel,-- and then I really feel. I have had a hard time lately. I let things get to me, that I would of shrugged off before. I want the last fucking word. Well always have, but now I almost feel as though I have lost my control or my "It factor" if I don't get what I want, or last word.

Here is an example. I went to the grocery on my way home from work, when I got home I realized a bag did not make it home with me. I cried. What the hell is that? Its bullshit,  I need to get a grip.

I have been talking to a friend from high school, for some reason I cannot let go of a specific conversation. Its because I feel rejected for not getting the answer I want. When all I am trying to do is help them. Get out of their own fucking pity party and look at the good part of life.

This reflects my mind back to a dark place. I feel shy, ashamed, lost, and scared. I feel as if  I am alone amidst a crowd of people. With a perpetual lump in my throat. That wanes with the feeling of screaming.

What fucking scares me is I can feel my mother. How she would explain her life struggles. I get her more now than ever. What a shitty thing to do, you mom should be here now. Reap what you sowed.

Life has taken an unexplained complexity that I don't understand. Its poof shit happened-- now deal. But I just want to crawl in bed, let the wold keep turning until I fall out at the right time. But I cant do that. She would have. No responsibilities.

I want a freedom button to press and pause reality while I let the wind blow my hair, the chill numb my nose. I want to smoke a cigarette and drink a bottle of wine, while eating chocolate. Dance the night away, all while looking beautiful. Catching all eyes and smiles. Warm fuzzy feeling and smiling back.

I want my hair to grow back - now. Lose the last 15 pounds. I want to dream again. I stopped.

I really want people to just accept and get me. To say it. A unsolicited compliment. I so desire that. A patient remembered my name the other day and embraced my arm between his, spoke my name said thank you while wishing me a happy holiday. (mid 50's) Do you know that gave me chills? A recognition, a person took the time to remember. It made me swallow hard, as I wanted to hug him with a tear stained face and say thank you thank you!!!!

The little lost girl comes out this time of year. It is a raw time emotionally. I feel almost as if I put on someone else's shoes daily.

Writing is what I do, this is how I replenish and recharge. I am blessed with more than most. I am not ungrateful. Just alone, surrounded by people. Love me, and hold me, wrap the wings around me, give me emotional shelter. That is what I need.
My ACE will not read this, they are very important. My muse might read this. My heart might skim it. Few will get to the end and "Get It".

Santa, bring me a sign my mom is at peace this year.
To the stars, shine and let me wish upon you. Twinkle and keep magic alive.