Not my usual note. I need to tell it.

Tomorrow is April 5th. My mother's birthday. This is the 5th year I have been without her.
24 days after her birthday 2006 my mother committed suicide. April is a month I wish would just zip past.

My mother was a alcoholic, pill user, and rapid cycling bipolar with severe anxiety. She refused help. She had attempted suicide many times. My earliest memory was when I had to be about 5. She would overdose on pills and alcohol, slashed her wrists...etc. One time she got her wish and was DOA in ER, she was brought back several times, and lay in a coma on a vent for a week. That my friends should of been the time for her to go. it would have been so much easier.

I am a mother, and as one it troubles me to know that a mother can not want her child. She was not a mother. She never wanted to be.
Tomorrow she would be 57. So young. But the 45 was her answer. She was found by a neighbor. That's the day she was declared dead, however I am sure it had been a day or so.

Oh I loved her so. I should of learned a lesson, as each time I tried to have a relationship I got burnt. How many times can you keep touching a flame until you go - shit this hurts, I am tired of burns. Well in the case of love there can be no time limit. You will burn yourself metaphorically to eternity.

She knew my oldest son, and God did she adore him. He still remembers her. My youngest was a year old when she went to the other side. He does not know her or remember.

Anger is such that these good kids, my kids she left. I am a only child. Don't do it for me, obviously she failed at that, but start over with my kids. Be a fucking person. LOVE something other than her narcissistic self. Pipe dream. I miss her, I cannot explain why. I never would give up on her. She gave up on her, so did all that knew her. Mother fuckers knew she talked of killing herself and watched her pass out, and turned a blind eye. How can you do that? "don't want to get involved" Who gives a shit! Save a life. Wait, that's what I DO.

I can do what I do, because I have been there. I can relate. I understand what families with mental illness go through. I understand loosing your loved one to drugs. I get it. I lived it.

The worst part of suicide is you will never know. There will forever be pieces to a puzzle that do not fit. So many pieces that are missing. Selfish. Most selfish thing you can do.

I have found forgiveness for what she did. I am not yet at peace with it. On the outside you would never know, unless I told you. There is a special bond that mothers and daughters share, you cannot put words to it. I tried to force a bond. It failed.

Every once in a while I will sense her. I can smell her hair, and feel her soft hug. The moments we did share when she was sober are priceless. I love her and miss her. Each passing year I see my boys and wish she had chosen to stay, be proud and enjoy them. That is really the biggest insult. I took the grief for them.

I am released from the pain. She is indeed somewhere better than the hell she lived in her mind. Mental illness is real, addiction is real. When someone mentions they want to die, take it serious. You never know if you will see them again. My mother and I had a argument about her prior attempt, and that was a couple of months before she died. That was my last conversation, her last words to me "you are dead to me." What the Fuck do I do with that? Chest out head high, it takes more than that to break this woman. I find strength in pain. It has made me who I am. (I do not welcome pain) hate it. But I wont back down. My boys know who loves them with every ounce of my existence.
Happy Birthday Mom.